Few things in our lives have such potential for joy and fulfillment as our intimate relationships.
Whole-person relationship and marriage counselling is a flexible series of sessions covering all the most important things needed to help make relating joyful. It's aimed to liberate the power of love. [It does not use hypnosis unless an individual issue requires that.]
Love starts as a wonderful ecstatic uplift. And ... then ... differences come. You start arguing about money or the children, or feel unsatisfied with sex, or nervous about commitment. And that easily spirals down into a black hole of hurt, blame, and recrimination.
Some couples avoid the differences, and keep things shallow. Others sink in the black hole and split up unnecessarily.
In fact, differences, pain, hurt and anger are not the enemies of love. They are the very doorway to the deepest intimacy.
Happy couples don't necessarily have fewer problems. What they do have is mastery of the skills to deal with them.
Love itself may be mysterious, even divine. But the secret to communicating lovingly is no mystery. It is a knack; less what you say, more how you say it. Simple changes in the way you express yourself can bring a dramatic difference in the results your words create. Words that hurt really can change into words that heal.
First, both partners need to feel safe and respected. Then, you can step outside unproductive patterns of thought and feeling. And you can learn what works, both as individuals and as a couple for your marriage or relationship.
I work with singles or one partner or both. Don't wait for a crisis! It's far better that one partner comes when things are "a bit iffy", than that both partners come when things are heading towards divorce. I help you reconnect with love, trust, confidence, sexual pleasure, assertion, independence and joy.
I'll repeat - DON'T WAIT FOR THE CRISIS. To take the first step, give me a ring and leave a message (24 hours.) I'll call you back. 0845-3510604 / 0117-968-7307. I work with singles or with one or both partners in the marriage or relationship. I'm happy to answer questions or arrange, in Bristol or Taunton, a free, no-obligation half-hour introductory meeting.
I work with singles or one partner or both. Even if one partner won't come, progress is still possible. Sometimes it's actually better to see each partner individually first. Either way, DON'T WAIT FOR THE CRISIS. Give me a ring today (0845-3510604 / 0117-968-7307) and explore what you can do. Leave a message, I'll call you back. I'm happy to answer questions or arrange, in Bristol or Taunton, a free, no-obligation half-hour introductory meeting.
You might choose to explore some or all of these areas, depending on what your relationship needs:
I have to say - it is better not to get to the stage where you can't talk to each other. With relationships, a stitch in time saves nine. But if you have got to the crisis stage, then I offer the opportunity to begin to de-fuse the conflict and face and heal the painful and powerful emotions under the surface. For this I use techniques drawn from, among other things, Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication.
Only too commonly, people feel bad inside themselves and look outside for the relationship to make them happy. Actually, what makes relationships work is when you feel good in yourself and have fun being on your own. Then your surplus happiness overflows as love and fuels a loving, affectionate and joyful relationship.
If certainly doesn't all have to be like that, relationships are also a place of healing and a place where it is safe to take the risk reveal hurt and vulnerability. But the foundation of a happy relationship is you being happy on your own.
We all of us have a place inside where we feel ashamed, hurt or unworthy. It's important to have the courage to bring it into the light of day. But it's far more important to remember that that is not how you - or your partner - really are. That's all just conditioning from when we were children. The truth is that both you and your partner are loving, joyful, strong, wise human beings, even when you both totally forget that. The special healing magic of relationships is that when you forget you are wonderful, you can remind each other.
Sometimes, everything is OK. And somehow, you create or attract those moments. It's much more useful to concentrate mainly on what's right. Often, what's wrong will take care of itself.
Very often, the small hurt child in us is running our adult relationships. It can be shocking to realise that, but it's very liberating and healing. There's nothing wrong with it! More or less, most people are in this situation. But if you act without thought or awareness as if your partner is your mother or father, then you are not really seeing your partner in the present moment at all, and will dump ancient emotional demands on them which have nothing to do with them. If you are aware of the situation then the relationship can become a wonderful haven of healing and letting go of the past.
Part of reminding each other that you are strong, joyful, wise, peaceful human beings is to treat each other as adults.
That doesn't mean you can't feel small or weak with your partner. It's part of intimacy to allow yourself, if it happens to arise, to feel tiny and want to curl up in your partner's arms and just be held. That's deeply healing and perfectly OK if it is honest and direct, if it nourishes your adult strength, and if over a period of time, it's balanced between you and your partner. It's a problem if it is always one-sided, or the hurt child runs the relationship or seems more real that the adult.
Disagreements about money, children, sex, housework, work, where you live and so on are rarely about just these issues. Money is often about power and responsibility, about whether the role of the breadwinner (of either sex) is honoured by the other partner or abused by the breadwinner (eg at worst "this money is mine, all mine"). Fights about sex are often underneath about love and affection and tender needs not being met. And the housework is commonly about worth and value and not being taken for granted.
Much anger, fear, manipulation, and co-dependency comes from trying to get the other person to meet your needs without being honest about those needs. Maybe you're not aware of them, or maybe they are scary to own - this can be VERY challenging. But you have to be straight about your needs. In particular:
The simplest piece of relationship advice is "Talk about sex, a lot." Do you ask for what you want? Do you share what turns you on? Do you share your fantasies? Do you say and do whatever comes into your head while making love? Again, this can be immensely scary and challenging; but also immensely healing and liberating. And in fact, like being open about your needs, it's one of those things to which there is actually no alternative. You either do it, or you and the relationship can feel dead and disconnected.
Especially for women, it can be very important to say NO more, to stop doing things only because you feel guilty, and to stop pleasing people. Men rarely find this difficult!
What heals is always love. But love doesn't just mean "love for each other, which brings us together." Is most definitely includes love for yourself, which carries you apart and rescues you from a painful, hopeless or toxic situation. Self-love includes recognising when the love between two people is dead and has been replaced by habit and pretense.
Many of us pick up relationship patterns from our parents. For example, we might be rejected by the opposite-sex parent, or feel super-special to them (ie one parent unconsciously gives the message "It's you I really want, not you mum / your dad.) Parents' divorce can leave painful scars, for example if children get forced to side with one parent against the other. All these can make it hard to trust and be open and act like a man or a woman in relationships.
Every man and every woman has both a male and a female aspect. While we think we are relating to the outer woman or man, very often we are re-enacting on the outside, conflicts going on inside of us. We project parts of ourselves onto our partners, and then when we look outside, we don't even see our partner at all. As soon as you recognise what is going on, the projections start to drop.
Sometimes, when people are trapped in an avalanche, they die because they dig down into the snow, not up into the light. Love is intrinsically healing.The aim of this work is to liberate that instrinsic healing power so that you, and your partner, stop digging yourselves a hole. And either together, or if necessary as individuals, you dig up into the light.
DON'T WAIT FOR THE CRISIS before you seek marriage guidance. To take the first step, give me a ring and leave a message (24 hours.) I'll call you back. 0845-3510604 / 0117-968-7307. I work with singles or with one or both partners. I'm happy to answer questions or arrange, in Bristol or Taunton, a free, no-obligation half-hour introductory meeting. My approach is friendly, respectful, and very effective.
Love is the way messengers from the mystery tell us things.
Nisargadatta Maharaj
Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.
Gautam Buddha
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To arrange an appointment, or for more information, ring and speak to me direct. Clinics for hypnotherapy & counselling in Clifton, Bristol, Avon BS9 1JE; Portobello Rd, London W11 3DL; and in Taunton, Somerset, TA2 7BZ
0845 351 0604
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