Issues overview

• Emotions

• Hypnotherapy

• Relationships

Men's sexual problems

Various physical illnesses can cause sexual dysfunction. So if you have sexual problems, especially of a physical nature or a sudden change in functioning, always go and see your GP. When your GP has ruled out physical causes, come and see me.

Effective hypnotherapy-based sex therapy for men's sexual problems in Bristol, Taunton and London including erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and unsatisfactory sex

Sexual problems are very common. Issues like premature ejaculation and failed erections can produce feelings of shame and inadequacy and be highly embarassing to talk about. Many men suffer in silence rather than seek help. I fully recognise how sensitive these issues may be, and I approach them in a respectful, secure, and supportive way. When men do feel safe to talk about sexual matters, they typically find that a lot can be done, and problems are often far more easily put right than they feared.

Sex is never, ever just about sex. Loving sexuality involves passion, love, tenderness, vulnerability, surrender, wildness, power and potency. It offers a rainbow of unique and vivid experiences which range from wild lust to the profoundly sacred. It touches us in our deepest inner places. So my work with sexual issues is not dry and clinical. I work respectfully with the whole person and all the human aspects which sexuality involves. I combine effective techniques including hypnotherapy, hypnoanalysis, solution-oriented therapy and cognitive-behavioural self-help with methods from sacred Indian tantra to help you move towards a satisfying and loving sex life in the shortest time possible.

In terms of symptoms, men can have problems at any stage of the process of making love. They may have lack of interest in sex, though this is more common in women. When they make love, they may fail to have a strong erection, or lose their erection at some point in the process, commonly at the point of penetration (penetration anxiety.) They may ejaculate "too soon," according to their own or their partner's standards, and the ejaculation may be weak and unsatisfying or strong and enjoyable but simply "too soon." They may not ejaculate at all; a few men don't like to ejaculate and don't view this as a problem. Or masturbation may be OK, but lovemaking with a partner may be difficult.

Men are driven by images far more than women, and may have fetishes of every imaginable kind. Shoes, uniforms and particular clothing are among the less unusual; the male erection gets triggered by everything under the sun. Men may need specific situations or stimuli to get an erection, including dressing as a woman or being spanked. Such things are not problems in themselves, and may simply form part of grown-up games between consenting adults. They become problems if they cause conflict, shame or guilt within the person or with a partner, or if they drive out loving and emotionally nourishing sexuality.

Men may be addicted to pornography. They may be addicted to sex, or compulsively promiscuous, driven to have sex with strangers or at every possible opportunity. Many men will at first not see this as a problem, but may be very proud of their perceived potency.

There is a spectrum of difficulty of how easy problems are to solve. Assuming you've been to the GP and nothing is wrong physically, it goes, as a rough approximate rule of thumb, like this:-

Some causes of men's sexual problems

1a. In the past or with others partners sex was good or at least OK, and then something happened, such as
--- an affair or something else which produces guilt
--- job loss or something else that makes the person feel less virile and potent
--- being the victim in an abusive relationship (this far more commonly happens to women, but can happen to men too)
--- stress (in some men stress can increase sex drive, but more commonly reduces it, maybe to zero.)
--- birth of a child
--- communication problems within the relationship often reveal themselves as sexual problems including low sex drive
--- sometimes the problem is within the relationship, such as when one partner wants sex much more than the other or not being playful enough or loving enough or adventurous enough in sex.
--- a new relationship where everything is great, but the sheer intensity of the sex produces premature ejaculation
--- lack of communication around and during sex and making love.
You can talk about sex!
You can talk during sex!
You should do both!
The simplest, best lovemaking advice is "talk about sex a lot."
--- one day you just don't get an erection. That happens - erections are capricious. Then you get performance anxiety and a downward spiral of anxiety which almost guarantees more erection failures.
--- having a performance attitude

Most commonly such problems can be solved straightforwardly using brief therapy. I aim to be realistically cautious in everything I say, but I've had not infrequent instances where inability to get an erection was solved in a single session. This cannot be guaranteed, but does indicate that these problems can be more easily cured than might be imagined.

1b. Sex has never been really good or there are sexual addictions or life-long fears. Causes include:
--- first sexual encounter went badly
--- lack of communication with partner
--- shame and guilt around sex and the body. This can come from many sources, one of which is a religious attitude in childhood that sex is wrong and shameful.
--- sheer lack of exploration of sexuality
--- ignorance of anatomy
--- ignorance of the opposite sex
--- trying to live up to nonsense social "James Bond" performance myths
--- rape (happily not common, but it does happen to men)
--- childhood sexual abuse
--- childhood emotional abuse
--- parent's marriage was unhappy
--- low self esteem
--- guilt or shame around fetishes, perversions and other "paraphilias.
As in the previous section, these all have the potential to respond excellently to brief therapy methods. Some may take more time, some will take less. Once again, I aim to be realistically cautious in all my claims, yet at the same time it's true that the improvement in sexual fulfillment can be rapid and dramatic.

2. Fetishistic or unusual impulses, which are harmless or limited and which still allow loving and emotionally nourishing love-making.
Here there are two possible outcomes:
(i) freedom from shame and guilt, and
(ii) actually changing the fetishistic reflex.
This second goal is difficult. Fetishes and the like are connected to deep primal emotions and are very difficult to change. Many authorities say they can never be changed, however, if a person is highly motivated to personal development they can potentially be healed. But it requires extensive emotional personal development work, meditation, and the use of healing forms of Indian tantra. This takes years not months and needs someone to be very committed to their journey. However, what most certainly can be healed with brief sex therapy methods includes:-
--- to heal guilt and shame and to bring acceptance and self-respect.
--- to cure addiction to such "paraphilias" and create as much space as possible for normal sexuality.
--- while the paraphilia remains, it can stop being perceived as a problem, and just become "adult fun and games." Such harmless enjoyable variant sexual games are very normal and are definitely not to be lumped in with the serious perversions of the next section. The goal of therapy is to take away the shame and guilt, to allow enjoyment of harmless "different loving" and to make more and more room for love in love-making.

3. Extreme fetish or deviant impulses which leave no room for nourishing love-making or which are seriously or non-consensually violent or harmful. Rape, child abuse, extreme deviance, and perversions which form an obsession or where the other partner is a victim; these are serious indeed. The harmless "fun fetishes" in the previous section are difficult enough to change, and with the extreme or violent aspects added may be impossibly so. Such extreme matters require highly specialist treatment, for example such as the excellent NHS Portman Clinic in London. I only include them here to make a very clear distinction with the common, indeed almost normal, variant sexual "paraphilias" of the previous section.

I fully recognise how sensitive these issues are, and I approach them in a secure, respectful and supportive way. When men do feel safe to talk about sexual matters, they typically find that a lot can be done, and problems are often far more easily put right than they feared. So don't suffer in silence. Give me a ring. You'll probably want to take things gently, so you are welcome to come for a free half-hour initial meeting to check that I am someone you can confide in.

To take the first step on the road to a happy and fulfilled sex life, give me a ring directly: 0845-3510604 / 0117-968-7307. I am happy to answer questions or to arrange, in Bristol or Taunton, a free half-hour introductory meeting. My approach is friendly, respectful, and very effective.

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… sex is the seed - the pleasure. If sex is allowed natural growth, respected, valued, then a transformation happens, a metamorphosis happens. Sex starts growing into a foliage of art, music, poetry, dance, and thousand other creative dimensions. Sex is only a seed, or the roots, but if supported, nourished, watered, taken care of, then many branches grow, much foliage comes, many green leaves moving in all directions, dancing in the wind, in the rain, in the sun...The man who has accepted sex respectfully, lovingly, will be able to transform it into love. And on the foliage, on the branches of love, the flowers of bliss happen.

Osho

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

P J O'Rourke

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