Low self-esteem and poor self-worth results from failure, from direct criticism, or from implicit criticism. This can come about as an adult, or be left over from childhood, sometimes from schooling but sadly often from lack of love.
Here are three common scenarios causing low self-esteem. There are many more - everyone is unique.
If as a child you were criticised, you grow up discouraged and not believing in yourself. Some parents directly say things like "Why are you so useless?", but even loving parents can undermine children without either children or parents realising. For example, there is an age, maybe 3 or 4, when kids are actively saying "No!" That's not naughtiness, it's an essential part of growing up - at that age we are all trying out "doing it MY way." If parents are too strict, then every time the child tries to "do it MY way", he or she hears "no, that's wrong." Very quickly the child learns "everything I do is wrong - there must be something wrong with me - I must be no good." This is simplified, but something like this is the commonest reason a person feels worthlessness. Lack of love can leave a profound and fragile vulnerability in feeling good about yourself.
Or you might have been:
But the good news is that the "who you are" which was ignored, un-loved or un-affirmed as a child is still totally present inside you as an adult. These qualities are never destroyed, only mislaid of buried. Life-dynamic counselling, hypno-psychotherapy and the other tools I use can be distinctively effective in re-connecting you with your inner treasures, with the feeling that "I CAN," with the feeling that "I AM OK," that "I AM LOVEABLE" and "I KNOW HOW."
There's someting I term "first big failure syndrome" It's not uncommon as a cause of low self-esteem in people aged 25 - 35. Someone can be confidently flying through life, and then some kind of mishap or failure (redundancy, criticism, breakup) takes the wind out of their sails. Though in fact manageable, still this is the first reverse they've ever had, they aren't used to it, and they feel terrible. Their self-belief collapses. Paradoxically this happens most to people with the highest self-esteem - they've just never failed before.
This can be one of the easiest situations to remedy. Quite often all I have to do is to re-connect the person with their previous successes and use hypnosis to kindle the spark of those memories into a flame of confidence. Indeed there are occasions this is so rapid and complete that it is almost as if hypnosis is a kind of "reset button" for the human mind - push the button and a short while later, the problems are forgotten.
(Of course, I'm not referring to major life-changing adversities, but to ups and downs of a kind a person hasn't encountered before.)
Abusive relationships are a far more serious situation which creates (sometimes crucifyingly) low self-confidence in adults. Sometimes a woman (it's virtually always a woman) is criticised, undermined and dominated by her partner, to the point where she loses all sense of herself and her self-worth. It can take years to recover from such a toxic relationship.
In fact this situation does not originate in adult life, but rather rests on a foundation of childhood low self-esteem. This caused the victim to choose such a man in the first place, and to need to remain with him. Unconscious feelings may include "I'm so useless and no good I'll never get another man if I leave this one." Underneath that is often a more complex dynamics where one part of the woman passionately loves the man because he's just like dad was - abusive. It can be painful to disentangle the love from the hurt.
Life CAN change and you CAN feel proud of yourself. To find out how I can help you towards that, just give me a ring. Never feel you don't matter enough to take my time up - I'm happy to answer questions or arrange, in Bristol or Taunton, a free, no-obligation half-hour initial meeting. My approach is friendly, respectful, and very effective. Andrew White 0845-3510604 / 0117-968-7307
No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
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To arrange an appointment, or for more information, ring and speak to me direct. Clinics for hypnotherapy & counselling in Clifton, Bristol, Avon BS9 1JE; Portobello Rd, London W11 3DL; and in Taunton, Somerset, TA2 7BZ
0845 351 0604
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