Relationship and couples counselling overview
First and foremost in a relationship counselling session, I want both parties to feel safe. I aim to create a climate where both people can open up and say the things that really matter to them, in safety.
I want to understand what each person thinks and feels, so both parties feel heard and respected at least by me, even if not yet by each other. This is both healing, and yet may be disturbing. It's healing when you are heard with respect and not made wrong. Yet it can be disturbing when someone you bitterly oppose and may feel has deeply wounded you, is given the same respect. But it's the beginning of healing to realise that just because you have one truth, and your partner has another, it doesn't mean that either of you is wrong or bad (and neither I nor any other couples counsellor is ever going to take sides.) Both of you, even "the enemy", need to feel safe, secure and protected to be yourselves.
Some couples are afraid that therapy will degenerate into yet another fight. I don't let that happen. My overall style of therapy is active and very much so with couples. I intervene positively to hold the situation firmly and break up destructive exchanges and coach how you could communicate better.
Fairly early on, I'll ask about what is, or has been, good in the relationship, in each person, and in each other. Often couples have lots of good feelings for each other but lose track of these as conflict mounts. It's important to re-connect with love and affection as early as possible and not give hurt and bitterness a premature victory.
One very important enquiry is what each person's needs are behind the painful or negative behaviours. The attacks, the manipulations, the avoidances, the dysfunctional behaviours are all ways - hurt ways, messed-up ways - of trying to get a genuine human need met. Commonly the person doesn't know themselves what that need is, and they may need to search inside themselves to find out. For example, one partner might be so self-contained and self-sufficient that they are unreachable and feel unloving, and the other partner feels rejected and so feels hurt and gets angry. Quite possibly, the self-sufficient partner has a deep need for love which is so strong that it feels overwhelming and has been deeply buried under a facade of "Who, me? Me need love? - no way!". It may be challenging and a big risk for the self-sufficient person to admit their need. But when real needs are finally honestly expressed, the real person emerges from behind the masks and protections and the real person is always, always shining and beautiful and lovable.
I work with singles or one partner or both. When I work with couples together, sometimes I suggest that one or both partners come for some individual work.
Don't wait for a crisis! With individuals, crises can powerfully motivate positive change. But with couples, it's better that one partner comes when things are "a bit iffy", than that both partners come when hurt has piled on hurt and things are heading towards divorce. I help you reconnect with love, trust, confidence, sexual pleasure, assertion, independence and joy.
I'll repeat - it's better to make a stitch in time. To take the first step, give me a ring and leave a message (24 hours.) I'll call you back. 0845-3510604 / 0117-968-7307. I work with singles or with one or both partners in the marriage or relationship. I'm happy to answer questions or arrange, in Bristol or Taunton, a free, no-obligation half-hour introductory meeting.
I have to say - it is better not to get to the stage where you can't talk to each other. With relationships, a stitch in time saves nine. But if you have got to the crisis stage, then I offer the opportunity to begin to de-fuse the conflict and face and heal the painful and powerful emotions under the surface. For this I use techniques drawn from, among other things, Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication.
Only too commonly, people feel bad inside themselves and look outside for the relationship to make them happy. Actually, what makes relationships work is when you feel good in yourself and have fun being on your own. Then your surplus happiness overflows as love and fuels a loving, affectionate and joyful relationship.
If certainly doesn't all have to be like that, relationships are also a place of healing and a place where it is safe to take the risk reveal hurt and vulnerability. But the foundation of a happy relationship is you being happy on your own.
We all of us have a place inside where we feel ashamed, hurt or unworthy. It's important to have the courage to bring it into the light of day. But it's far more important to remember that that is not how you - or your partner - really are. That's all just conditioning from when we were children. The truth is that both you and your partner are loving, joyful, strong, wise human beings, even when you both totally forget that. The special healing magic of relationships is that when you forget you are wonderful, you can remind each other.
Sometimes, everything is OK. And somehow, you create or attract those moments. It's much more useful to concentrate mainly on what's right. Often, what's wrong will take care of itself.
Very often, the small hurt child in us is running our adult relationships. It can be shocking to realise that, but it's very liberating and healing. There's nothing wrong with it! More or less, most people are in this situation. But if you act without thought or awareness as if your partner is your mother or father, then you are not really seeing your partner in the present moment at all, and will dump ancient emotional demands on them which have nothing to do with them. If you are aware of the situation then the relationship can become a wonderful haven of healing and letting go of the past.
Part of reminding each other that you are strong, joyful, wise, peaceful human beings is to treat each other as adults.
That doesn't mean you can't feel small or weak with your partner. It's part of intimacy to allow yourself, if it happens to arise, to feel tiny and want to curl up in your partner's arms and just be held. That's deeply healing and perfectly OK if it is honest and direct, if it nourishes your adult strength, and if over a period of time, it's balanced between you and your partner. It's a problem if it is always one-sided, or the hurt child runs the relationship or seems more real that the adult.
Disagreements about money, children, sex, housework, work, where you live and so on are rarely about just these issues. Money is often about power and responsibility, about whether the role of the breadwinner (of either sex) is honoured by the other partner or abused by the breadwinner (eg at worst "this money is mine, all mine"). Fights about sex are often underneath about love and affection and tender needs not being met. And the housework is commonly about worth and value and not being taken for granted.
Much anger, fear, manipulation, and co-dependency comes from trying to get the other person to meet your needs without being honest about those needs. Maybe you're not aware of them, or maybe they are scary to own - this can be VERY challenging. But you have to be straight about your needs. In particular:
The simplest piece of relationship advice is "Talk about sex, a lot." Do you ask for what you want? Do you share what turns you on? Do you share your fantasies? Do you say and do whatever comes into your head while making love? Again, this can be immensely scary and challenging; but also immensely healing and liberating. And in fact, like being open about your needs, it's one of those things to which there is actually no alternative. You either do it, or you and the relationship can feel dead and disconnected.
Sometimes, one touch is deeper than a thousand words. If you wish, we can discuss exercises you can do at home in the bedroom to deepen physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction. These are drawn from healing forms of Indian tantra.
Especially for women, it can be very important to say NO more, to stop doing things only because you feel guilty, and to stop pleasing people. Men rarely find this difficult!
In particular, it is important for women to know that they can say No in bed. They are not obliged to do what the man wants, if it conflicts with their own needs.
What heals is always love. But love doesn't just mean "love for each other, which brings us together." Is most definitely includes love for yourself, which carries you apart and rescues you from a painful, hopeless or toxic situation. Self-love includes recognising when the love between two people is dead and has been replaced by habit and pretense.
Many of us pick up relationship patterns from our parents. For example, we might be rejected by the opposite-sex parent, or feel super-special to them (ie one parent unconsciously gives the message "It's you I really want, not you mum / your dad.) Parents' divorce can leave painful scars, for example if children get forced to side with one parent against the other. All these can make it hard to trust and be open and act like a man or a woman in relationships.
Every man and every woman has both a male and a female aspect. While we think we are relating to the outer woman or man, very often we are re-enacting on the outside, conflicts going on inside of us. We project parts of ourselves onto our partners, and then when we look outside, we don't even see our partner at all. As soon as you recognise what is going on, the projections start to drop.
Sometimes, when people are trapped in an avalanche, they die because they dig down into the snow, not up into the light. Love is intrinsically healing.The aim of this work is to liberate that instrinsic healing power so that you, and your partner, stop digging yourselves a hole. And either together, or if necessary as individuals, you dig up into the light.
DON'T WAIT FOR THE CRISIS before you seek marriage guidance. To take the first step, give me a ring and leave a message (24 hours.) I'll call you back. 0845-3510604 / 0117-968-7307. I work with singles or with one or both partners. I'm happy to answer questions or arrange, in Bristol or Taunton, a free, no-obligation half-hour introductory meeting. My approach is friendly, respectful, and very effective.
Love is the way messengers from the mystery tell us things.
Nisargadatta Maharaj
Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.
Gautam Buddha
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To arrange an appointment, or for more information, ring and speak to me direct. Clinics: In Bristol, 7, Unity St, BS1 5HH (off Park St, by College Green, easy parking) and in Clifton, on the edge of the Downs; in Central London; 2, Middle St Taunton, TA1 1SH.
0117-968-7307
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